My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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