So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
