i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
