dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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