we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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