I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
