If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
