Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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