Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Randomize
