If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
