Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
