shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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