you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
