Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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