so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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