First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
