And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
