the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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