we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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