just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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