So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
