and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
