Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
