i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
The cops high fived after they tackled you
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
