Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
