My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
