Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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