I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
