Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
