I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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