you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
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There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
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Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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