matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
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