He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
