my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
