That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
