I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
