I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
