Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
she looked like the before picture.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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