why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
