I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
