That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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