He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
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We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
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They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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