apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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