i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
