I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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