I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
