i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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