The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
