Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
