Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
