I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
