I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
