i can't believe i had my finger in that
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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