My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
