Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
