I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
