I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
