Where are you?
In a non slutty way
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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