arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
